Dread and Love

The kids are all in bed, Todd is reading this huge manual that is supposed to turn him into a stage lighting designer, and I am stalling... supposed to be filling out paperwork for the pediatric cardiologist. We are taking all four children for echocardiograms in the morning.

It's been a year already since we found out Benjamin has some hinky things with his ticker-- a bicuspid aortic valve and a dilated aortic root, to be exact. Is this something? Well, that's a tricky question.

Ben has always been and continues to be asymptomatic; the abnormalities were found through an echo ordered by the geneticist "just to check." Following last year's echo, samples of Ben's blood and tissues visited all kinds of interesting labs around the country, to be checked for certain connective tissue disorders that can be linked to these heart defects and some of the other physical characteristics our boy sports. Everything came back negative.

The cardiologist seemed to downplay Ben's issues, reminded us he is healthy and his heart is strong and we wouldn't even know about the valve and the root except that the geneticist had ordered the test. It could be something hereditary-- Todd's dad has a similarly constructed pump. This made us ask about the other children, whether their hearts might also have these differences. The cardiologist said we should, at some point, get all the girls' hearts looked at, too. I asked, "Can we wait until next year when we bring in Benjamin to get rechecked?" She said that would be good.

I tried to chill... prayed, when chilling didn't work... prayed some more... and eventually did kind of chill. Though never far from my thoughts, "pediatric cardiology" eventually fell further to the back of my mental Rolodex. Then, one day after Christmas, I reached into a pocket of a jacket I hadn't worn in a long time and pulled out an ink pen from The Children's Heart Clinic. And my heart sank.

I called the number printed on the pen. Now, the appointments are tomorrow. The tests will show what the tests show. I know what I know.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." (Psalm 16:5-8)