The Way He Thought About It

 Yesterday was our wedding anniversary and I spent much of the day thinking of my father-in-law.  Hear me out-- it might not be as weird as you think.

Todd and I were married on a brilliant, fall day, 24 years ago.  That day, Harlan did not become my father-in-law, as his wedding to Todd's mom was still several months away.  But, Harlan was there, grinning, with my mother-in-law on his arm.  They were happily married for 18 years before esophageal cancer took him from all of us, far too soon.

Our wedding day was in mid-October, exactly six presidential elections ago.  That means just a couple weeks after Todd and I said our vows, our nation elected (re-elected) a leader.  If I really think about it, I can remember who was running for president.  If I think even harder, I know who I voted for.  Between our wedding day and Election Day, Todd and I honeymooned in Hawaii.  I don't remember rallies at airports, campaign signs in yards, or the barrage of 24-hour commentary from partisan outlets.  Maybe these things happened, but they were not all-consuming. Maybe Todd and I talked about the election, but it was far from the only thing we talked about.

My husband's stepfather was an intelligent, well-read, civically engaged, thoughtful, kind man.  Harlan was one of my favorite people to share a conversation with.  Whether we were discussing child-rearing, scripture, volunteer opportunities, Costa Rican farming practices, ice cream flavors, or, yes, even politics, Harlan typically weighed in by saying something along the lines of:

"That makes sense."

"Oh, really?"

"I can see why you would feel that way."

"That seems reasonable."

"I never thought about it that way."

He wasn't disengaged.  He wasn't dim.  He wasn't preoccupied.  He wasn't malleable.  Harlan was kind and compassionate and secure in his own beliefs so as to not feel threatened by others.  Did Harlan have opinions, even political ones?  Absolutely.  Did they always line up with my pushy, myopic, contradictory views?  Probably not.  Did it matter?  Well, it sure didn't matter to me and, if it did to Harlan, he was a veritable genie at masking his own feelings to protect mine.

It's a bit ironic that Harlan was actually quite politically involved and politically motivated.  I knew him to have friends who were well appointed and connected with a political party.  He even collected memorabilia from one party.  Though I cannot recall, he may have had campaign signs in his yard; but, if he did, I guarantee they didn't say "IDIOT" or "BULLSHIT" as read current signs-- on behalf of both major parties-- lining city streets and assaulting witnesses daily.

I don't know what Harlan would think of this current presidential election.  I am sure he would have a way to handle it all with grace and wisdom and would hopefully share that with the rest of us.  I think he would be disappointed, discouraged by all the cackling and whooping, name-calling, baseless accusations, outrageous claims and overall bad behavior.  I know he would never take part.

Today, a co-worker confided in me, "I wish you were working Election Night."  I confess, I am a bit disappointed to not be assigned extra work after completing my daily news show on Election Day.  It is always an exciting time to be in television news.  But, things are strange right now, and since I am one of the producers working remotely in the pandemic, I am guessing there are not a lot of jobs my supervisors would need filled that I could actually do from my basement set-up.  So it is.  But my co-worker went on, "I'm just afraid.  I wish I had you as a friendly face in the newsroom because, depending on how results come in, some of the people are going to get really angry."

Last week, a relative shared he's scared of what will happen to America-- to us-- on Election Day.  "I'm afraid there will be violence, that people will hurt each other."  Based on what we've seen and experienced as Americans this year, I don't think that fear is without merit.  I told him I understood and I was afraid, too.

I don't know if Harlan would have been afraid, but I am glad he is not here (at least not in the way we think) to see and hear and experience all this hatred.  I admired Harlan, the way he loved my MIL, the way he took care of my sister-in-law, the way he adored my children.  I strive to treat others the way Harlan treated me, to look down the table, lean back in my chair, nod slowly and say, "I never thought about it that way."